Isn't the Yuletide Season somewhat diluted nowadays? I remember a time when Saint Nicholas was naturally jolly, and didn't need any recreational stimulants to give himself 'a bit of a high'. Moreover, I remember when films were films too; and absolutely nothing like this horror-fest Directed by and Starring: Edmund Purdom; with Alan Lake, Pat Astley, and Belinda Mayne. It was made in 1984, and lasted for a
whole 86-minutes'.
Don't Open Till Christmas
THE STORY:
Picture the scene. During a Christmas party an old man is
encouraged to dress up as Santa Claus, and host the festivities presently in
full swing. Then suddenly, out of the blue, the same old man is stabbed in the
chest in front of everybody's eyes. Without anyone truly knowing who has
committed this grizzly deed.
But do you know what? This man isn't the only Santa that's
been murdered tonight! One was a chestnut vendor burning the midnight oil. And another was a drunken stoop out
and about. Heck, even a nude model draped in a festive cape -- named Sharon (Pat
Astley) -- gets confronted by this masked perpetrator the very next day!
Who could this murderer be though? Surely not the daughter
of one of his victims, Kate Briosky (Belinda Mayne)! She looks like a comely
lass with her head firmly on her shoulders. But maybe it's her boyfriend, Cliff
Boyd (Gerry Sundquist)? Because he does know quite a few dubious characters
here and there. Better yet, could it possibly be the Inspector assigned to this
case, Ian Harris (Edmund Purdom)? As this fact was alluded to his second in
command, Sergeant Powell (Mark Jones), by a funny looking journalist called
Giles (Alan Lake)!
Well, whatever the case may be, that's most probably why
what next transpires begins when a stripper gets whisked away. As suspicions
are aroused - Father Christmas is re-housed - a hoe gets' up and go - and the
ending of this film is no ho-ho-ho.
THE REVIEW:
Now when I first came across 'Don't Open Till Christmas', I
thought that it would be a good film to review for this fine Yuletide day.
Well, it felt appropriate somehow. And a nice alternate slice of cinema for me
to critique.
However, before I get to that, please take note of the
following filmic-facts. (1) The '21st Century Film Corporation' released this
picture on
the 19th of December, 1984.
(2) For those of you who are familiar with the locations in
London,
you'll notice that certain scenes in this horror flick were shot at: The Café
Royal, Piccadilly -- The London Dungeon,
Tooley Street
-- Portobello Road Market, Notting Hill -- South
Kensington,
West London -- The Piccadilly Theatre,
Denman
Street -- plus Scotland Yard and
Soho,
Westminster. (3) This film was
distributed after the death of the lead actor,
Alan
Lake, who was married the one-time
Marilyn Monroe of
England,
Diana Dors. (4) Did you know that it took over two years for this film to be
made? When the original director, Edmund Purdom, quit during production, and
was then replaced by another director, Dereck Ford, who was fired two days
later, it was down to Ray Selfe and Alan Birdinshow to rewrite the screenplay,
and re-film some of the scenes again. Most notably: the 'London Dungeon' scene.
(5) I was wondering if you caught two of the filmic references inserted into
this film. One was a 'Flashdance' reference: relating to what the stripper said
to 'Santa' after she strutted her stuff. And the second one was a 'Silent
Night, Deadly Night' reference: due to the fact that both 'movie serial-killers'
suffered similar 'Santa related' traumatic childhood experiences. (6) Not
only did Caroline Munro shot her singing scene in a single day, but she also starred
with Vincent Price in another horror movie, 'The Abominable Dr. Phibes'.
(7) Is it a coincidence that this was the sexploitation
starlet, Pat Astley, final film? Especially when you take into consideration that
her screen debut was in an episode of the sitcom, 'Are You Being Served',
called 'The Father Christmas Affair'! (8) A theory behind why this movie was
made; implies that the financiers who backed this production, did so, because
they wanted to 'cash in' on the 'video nasty' market which was rampant in
England
during the eighties.
OK, so did all that trivia sink in, dear reader? I hope so.
Because I'm sure it will explain to you about my following bullet-pointed summation: (1)
One of the only redeeming features to this film is its overall conceit -- a man
killing off Santa's during the Christmas period. To me, this concept is a great
one to explore, because it juxtaposes this merry occasion with a grizzly crime.
(2) I wouldn't call this film a 'splatter film' by any stretch of the
imagination. I'd call it a 'smudgy film' instead. Well, the 'murder scenes'
weren't very dynamic in my eyes, and came across very nth rate -- just like the
rest of the production values. (3) Would it be ironic if I declared that the
last twenty minutes this movie was cut to smithereens? I personally found it
too fractured in the execution, making the overall narrative a bit choppy and
mumbled in places. Take the conclusion for instance. One minute the murderer
was revealed. Then a chase ensured. Someone died. And the whole thing ended in
a flashback and an explosion. No. Just didn't work for me. (4) Apart from the
overall conceit, another thing that I enjoyed about this flick; was a chance to
have a look at
London in the
eighties again. I was too young to remember it the first time around, ha! (5) Occasionally
there was a bit of flesh flashed in this film. Not too overt. Agreed. But just
enough to make it feel a bit seedy by default. (6) There was one particular scene in this
film that I didn't get at all -- it's the scene where the boyfriend encourages his girlfriend to pose nude for a cameraman, the day after her father had died. What
the f*ck was that all about, huh? And it didn't add anything to the picture one
little bit! Except disdain of course. (7) Now I don't want to criticize the
acting in this film, because my mother always told me never to pick on the
disabled. Nuff said.
All in all, 'Don't Open Till Christmas', is a very hit and
miss affair. I like to look at it as one of those movies you'd watch on New
Years day, whilst nursing a hangover with your kin. Granted, its fine in places.
But in some others, it reminds me of a mess on the carpet.
Know what I mean? Happy... errr... whatever!!!!
