Bruce and Shao-lin Kung Fu 2 Cover Picture the scene. You're a very unlucky film producer who has just produced a cr*p movie called 'Bruce and Shaolin Kung-Fu' -- which didn't have a 'Bruce' or any 'Shaolin Kung-Fu' in it. So what do you do next? Huh? Yes. That is correct! You produce a rather mediocre sequel Directed by Alberto Golango; and Starring: Bruce Le and Fozzie Bear. It was made in 1978, and lasted for a whole 76-minutes. Now stick that in your wok and smoke it, pal.

Bruce and Shao-lin Kung Fu 2

Word to the wise. Please don't be like the floppy-haired martial artist, Ching-Lung (Bruce Le), and piss off the local Japanese warlord, by killing his only son, and then stealing some imperialist documents from him, OK? Or otherwise, this warmonger will send his army of men to decimate your gymnasium, murder your master, before bumping off the nice Korean family who nursed you back to health, after he shot you in the back.

Still, that's what Ching did. So what should he do next to get his revenge on this flat-faced git?

Oh! I know! Why doesn't he go and visit that nice bearded Taekwondo teacher who he's supposed to give those special documents to. You know the chap I'm talking about, right? No? You don't! Well, that Samurai expert who the Japanese warlord has ordered to kill Ching does.

What? You don't think this is a good idea? Why not? Ohhh! He turns down Ching's request for help when he eventually meets him, unless he bucks up his ideas pretty quickly and becomes a new man again?.

Fair enough. Then I suppose that is why what next transpires all kicks off when Ching does a ding-a-ling with a broom and a bottle of Mister Sheen. As learning whacks - a group of Samurai's attacks - the Japanese Army has some fun - and this film doesn't end like the previous one.

Now to be completely honest with you, dear reader, after watching this films predecessor (click here for the review), I wasn't expecting all that much from 'Bruce and Shaolin Kung-Fu 2'. Well, let's just say I that suspected it might tilt slightly in either direction. Hitting new heights with a slap. Or dipping to new lows with a bump.

It was a bump.

Bruce Le in Bruce and Shao-lin Kung Fu 2

Bruce and Shaolin Kung Fu
Here, please allow me to tell you what I mean by this in bullet-point form. (1) Have you ever seen an old Chinese man speak like Yosemite Sam from the Warner Brothers cartoons? Also, have you seen a Chinese man look like Charles Bronson and speak like Fozzie Bear from 'The Muppet Show'? I have, in this flick. It wasn't very nice you know. Very... err... unsettling. (2) In my opinion this movie could have defiantly used the widescreen format to display its wares. Certain fight scenes where well out of shot. Moreover, certain dialogue scenes were so off kilter, I wasn't really sure who was talking to whom and for why. (3) My God, some of the sound-effects overlaid upon the fight scenes were right out of sync. Punches could be heard before they were thrown. Plus you can say exactly the same thing about the yelps before the contact too. Also, who in hell bought the rights to play the 'Enter The Dragon' theme tune whilst Bruce was walking through the forest, huh? Not nice. Not nice at all. (4) Now who on God's earth bought the wigs and the mustaches for this movie, huh? Ray Charles? Stevie Wonder? Or was their a huge discount going on at the 'Crap Wigs and the Mustaches' emporium at the time? Yes. They were that bad. To the extent it impeded on the overall story-line. (5) I have to say that in places this film did try to redeem itself by adding a little philosophy to the mix. Heck, one of my favorite scenes in this yarn was that segment where Bruce's character was told to not dwell on revenge, and focus on more righteous pursuits instead. However, I'm sad to say that this plot thread didn't seem to last too long within the scheme of things -- liked the other one I liked involving the two girls fussing over Bruce -- because a eye-blink later things were back to bad once again. (6) Alright, I know that Bruce Le is no Bruce Lee. But here and there he didn't do a bad job at imitating his poses and his posture. Truly, I'd go so far as to say that his Bruce-ness was up to warp-factor 10 in tone. 

Obama's Uncle The Chinese Burt Reynolds The President of Walmart

Shaolin: Temple of Zen
OK -- OK -- OK. Enough 'Bruce and Shaolin Kung-Fu 2' bashing for the moment. Now I want to do something this film doesn't even try to attempt -- present to you how Shaolin has been reinterpreted in the media over the ages. (1) The seventies television series devised by Bruce Lee and starring David Carradine -- entitled 'Kung Fu' -- was about a Shaolin monk called Kwai Chan Caine, who roamed around the Wild West with his erstwhile ways. (2) Throughout the 1990's, the hip-hop group, 'The Wu Tang Clan', often made Shaolin statements within their songs. (3) One of the characters in the Mortal Kombat video game, Liu Kang, is supposed to be a Shaolin monk from the 'Kung Lao' province. (4) In 1982, Shaw Brothers remade their famous 1977 'Cultural Revolution' flick -- 'Shaolin Temple' -- with Jet Li. (5) Shaolin got the Simpson's television treatment in 2006, when this jovial cartoon family visited a Shaolin Temple in an episode called 'Goo Goo Gai Pan'. (6) 'Shaolin: Temple of Zen' was a book published in 2007, which printed the first photographs ever seen of Shaolin monks practicing classical kung-fu inside a temple. (7) One of my all time favorite Kung Fu comedies is the film starring Stephen Chow called 'Shaolin Soccer'. It's about... errr... Shaolin, Soccer, plus a bunch of saps. (8) Martial arts superstars, Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, Jet Li, and DonnieYen, have all studied Shaolin Kung-Fu at one time or another.

Homer Buddah

All in all 'Bruce and Shaolin Kung-Fu 2' reminds me a lot like being sick. The experience is somewhat jarring at first. But afterwards, when you sit back and relax, you don't feel so bad, just slightly fatigued

Say No More.