DYLAN MORAN - LIKE, TOTALLY

Top of the morning to you, squire! Isn't it a grand morning? Huh? What do you mean 'No it's not'? What an ungrateful f*cking bag of horse sh*t you are. You remind me of that feller who says those things about that thing. You know the one. 'Debenhams' or something. I saw him in this 69 minute stand-up show made in 2006. Now be off with you, you git.


Dylan Moran: Like, Totally

THE STORY:

How dare that bloody Irish b*stard, Dylan Moran, saunter onto some stage in the middle of nowhere, and entertain his live studio audience with his bodacious -- yet slightly revealing -- stand-up routine, which made me wet myself through sheer laughter.

Yeah! What a c*nt! He talked about such topics as: (1) Country living. (2) Colonisation. (3) Americans. (4) Driving. (5) Religion. (6) Children. (7) Friendships. And (8) Humus. But I might be mistaken, dear reader. He does have a bit of an accent on him, don't you know.

Here, have a read at some of the stuff Dylan comes up with in quote given form:

• You have a lovely place here. London. People from many creeds, many colors, many races, and many religions, have all traveled to your domain to blow it up.
• Farmer's aren't real people. We just need them to kill the cows.
• Of course country people want to speak to you! They haven't spoken to a real person in ages.
• Why would anybody want to go to Australia? The bloody place is too close to the sun!
• The real reason why people hate American's -- apart from what they've done -- is because they sound stupider than your average foreigner.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger became the governor of California by lifting things.
• How small should the size of your cock be if you want to drive something the size of a small school?
• A German person could be speaking to you quite affluently, and you'll be thinking to yourself 'Hitler -- Hitler -- Hitler -- Hitler'.
• Irish people are still seen as pale-faced f*ckers with a pig tucked under their arm -- which is only half true.
• All great religions are built on shame. We go to church -- we sing a few hymns - and then we all go home and have a w*nk.
• You'll notice that people who follow Jesus haven't done too well with everybody else. 
• When you say 'bedtime' to a child, they hear it as 'lay in a dark room for hours on end'.
• Taking pictures on holiday? What's the point to that? You're taking a snap-shot of a time and a place in which you weren't really there.
• The extent of charity in this country, is that you give away all the sh*t you didn't want in the first place.
• Men look at breast as women look at babies! Oh! Isn't that lovely.
• A lot of relationships are formed when you're both smashed out of you're face! But you wouldn't buy a toaster that way, would you? That's too important.
• What's casual sex? You have to turn up on time, don't you?
• "Dad, I love you" -- "Alight, I'll go and tell your mother".
• I'd stab you to death but I can't afford to take the two weeks off of work.

And finally, when this Irish git has said all that he has had to say, he shuffles off the stage like a deranged cat burglar with an itch to scratch. Bless him.

THE REVIEW:

I'm as hot as a lesbian love scene involving J-Lo and Kim Kardashian. My throat feels like it's been massaged by jagged razor blades dipped in glass. And every time I cough my brain tries to escape through my skull, squeezing itself through my ears. However, whilst watching Dylan Moran in 'Like Totally', my ailments have actually seized up for a short while. Yeah! No messing about! Dylan's brand on bold Irish humor did take my mind off... errr... whatever it is I've got... through-out his entire performance.

Granted, during the intermission, I did have to rush off to the bathroom and prey to the porcelain deity for a squirt or two. Nonetheless, I managed to sit through the rest of it with no bother at all.

But why is that though? How did Doctor Dylan's stuff and nonsense 'cure' me momentarily? OK, I know that some people say that 'laugher is the best medicine'. But I think it's more than just that. I think that Dylan's jokes works on a visceral level. Nibbling away at my conscious mind whilst allowing the rest of me to take a 'rain check' on 'ill's ville'. 

Hmmm? Let's see if this trivia splurge can clarify this matter for us, shall we? (1) Dylan comes from a very small town in Ireland called 'Navan', which is where comedian, Tommy Tiernan, and ex James Bond, Pierce Brosnan, comes from. (2) Not only does Dylan follow the works of such noted authors as J.B. Morton, Don DeLillo, and S.J. Perelmam, but in the past, he himself has written for the 'Irish Times'. (3) 'Father Ted' funny-man, Ardal O'Hanlon, inspired Dylan to get into comedy when he saw him at the 'Comedy Cellar' in Dublin during the early nineteen-nineties. (4) I kid you not: Dylan Moran married his wife, Elaine, on the same day as Princess Diana's funeral. (5) When Dylan won the 'Perrier' comedy award at the 1996 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, he thought is was 'a load of media bullshit', stating that his future 'Black Books' co-star, Bill Bailey, should have won it instead of him. (6) The same week Christopher Eccleston publicly announced that he was leaving the sci-fi drama, 'Doctor Who', an online petition was launched nominating Dylan to replace him. (7) Simon Pegg cast Dylan in his horror-comedy, 'Shaun of the Dead', because he was suggested to him by their mutual producer, Nira Park. Please note: Nira produced 'Spaced' for Simon, and 'Black Books' for Dylan. (8) To be sure, to be sure, Dylan has one of them web-thingy's -- www.dylanmoran.com

Nah! That doesn't help us any, does it? Still, maybe there is something in Dylan's quaint Irish roots that's compels him to craft his comedy in the way that he does.

Personally speaking, I've found THAT his comedy works on a very lyrical tone; constructing his jokes in the same way as a poet would create a rhyme. Step One: Initiate the premise. Step Two: Play within the defined form. And Step Three: Break this form before this form breaks you.

Well, Dylan's formula for fun is something to think about, huh? But alas, I can't think. I'm sick. Sick as a dog that's been dipped in a bath of horse manure and left out in the hot burning sun to ferment with the rest of the b*tches. Maybe I should go back and watch 'Dylan Moran - Like, Totally' again? As it was a great-great show. Full of brash insights, memorial quotes, and made me feel a lot better than what I am at the... the... the.......

Brrrggghhhh!

THE RATING: A