A couple of days ago I bought a tuxedo from a dodgy looking department store, and for some apparent reason it made me do a number of very strange things. For instance, it made me itch. It made me scratch. It made me mad. And it made me watch the following 95-minute movie developed in 2002. It was Directed by Kevin Donovan; and Starred: Jackie Chan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, with Jason Isaacs.

The Tuxedo

Now I know what I'm about to say may sound somewhat far-fetched, Ms Blaine (Jennifer Love Hewitt). But please, you have to believe me when I say I'm not the super-smooth super-spy called Clark Devlin (Jason Isaacs).

Honestly, my dear. At first I was hired to be nothing more than a humble driver who would chauffeur him around town in his luxury limousine. Doing whatever I needed to do to get him from point A to point B, as well as whatever else was required of me. Then one day something startling happened that would change all of this around. Through no fault of my own, Clark was in a freakish accident that left him in a coma, and left me stunned, confused, and in the possession of his amazing tuxedo.

Yes. That's right, Ms Blaine. By my own accord I did put it on. Yet how was I supposed to know that his suit would also transform me into some sort of superhero? Or that you guys in the CIA would catch wind of this, and then thrust me into a whirlwind adventure to nab the evil sod who took Clark out the first place?

You know. That evil sod come criminal mastermind -- Dietrich Banning (Ritchie Coster).

Still. That's most probably why what next transpires all takes a bath when you say to me, 'OK. So let me get this straight. You're Jimmy Tong (Jackie Chan), right?'. As a secret agency gets chopped down to size - a pair of trousers are worn by a man with very nice thighs - two freshly pressed suits get ready for a head on collision - and at the end of the day, whoever made this flick has no f*cking vision.

Now let me make myself perfectly clear before I present to you my review on 'The Tuxedo'. One: I'm a huge Jackie Chan fan. Two: I'd love to shag the living daylights out of Jennifer Love Hewitt. And Three: I don't mind watching this genre of action-comedy either. So, it is with great regret for me to inform you that I thought this film was a complete and utter waste of my viewing time.

The Tuxedo Starring Sexy Jennifer Love Hewitt
Honestly, dear reader. I'm not entirely sure if this was deliberate or not, but in my most humble opinion there was absolutely no on-screen chemistry between Jackie and Jennifer. Simply put, Jennifer came across as a surely type of character with no appealing features apart from her massive tits. Where as Jackie was being his usual kind heart-ed self, which as always is a 'good thing' in my book. 

In no uncertain terms it was also rather obvious that the kung-fu on show was of the blatant wire-work variety, and it did appear very-very artificial within the confines of this very-very artificial production. Granted, it seemed fairly apparent that Jackie was a lot more conversant at this sort of thing than the rest of the cast. Having said that, though, this contrast became regrettably more and more noticeable over the course of the entire story-line.

Oh! And as for the story in itself? Well, in essence it reminded me of an updated version of a old 'Green Hornet' parable. Except in this case it was without any of the charm, the elegance, or the main man himself in the driver's seat. Admittedly, in theory it was a very nice conceit to work off of -- that of a every-man type character mistakenly becoming a super-spy. But in practice this was used as nothing more than a loose pretext to highlight a mumbled-jumbled adventure full of coincidences and hammy acting.

The Tuxedo Starring Jackie Chan and Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jackie Chan in The Tuxedo
Anyway. Before I get carried away with my 'Tuxedo' bashing, I think it best if I stop myself there and spill some filmic-facts instead. Doesn't that sound reasonable to you, pal? Ha! (1) 'DreamWorks' first released this $60 million dollar production in America on the 19th of December, 2002, and eventually clawed back $104 million dollars at the box office. (2) Loosely translated, this project was entitled 'Smoking' in Finland, Croatia, Poland, Turkey, and Russian, where as in Portugal it was given the name 'Dress To Rigor'. (3) So far this has been the only film Kevin Donovan ever directed in his career. (4) One of the screenwriters assigned to pen this flick, Michael J. Leeson, also wrote for such American sit-coms as 'The Cosby Show' and 'Taxi', as well as devised the film-scripts for the movies, 'The War of the Roses' and 'The Survivors' . (5) The City Hall in Toronto, Canada, posed as the 'CSA Headquarters' in this picture. Whilst the 'high-tech super-rifle' is really a 'scoped-competition air-rifle' made by 'Steyr'. (6) If you look very closely at that scene where Jimmy goes through Mister Devlin's address book, you'll be able to see the made-up phone numbers for Norman Schwarzkopf, Claudia Schiffer, Stephen Sondheim, and George M. Steinbrenner III. (7) The film critique, Roger Ebert, once said that this comedy was 'silly beyond comprehension', and 'even if it weren't silly, it would still be beyond comprehension'. (8) Bill Murray made a brief cameo in the final gallery scene as one of the customers.

Jackie Chan and James Brown

Now in closing I would really love to praise 'The Tuxedo' more than I did previously. Truthfully I would. A part of me is dying to say that Jackie was on top form, Jennifer was a star, and that the overall production was way out of this world. But no. I can't. The only positive things I can say about it is that I did like a few set-pieces, the James Brown cameo, Jackie Chan's presence, plus -- of course -- this...

Blooper city!! You have to love it, huh? Bless you Jackie.