HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (1960)

Now if I told you the following 77 minute movie made in 1960 involved seven scantly clad women, fighting to save one man's life, would you watch it? Would you cast it to one side? Or would say to yourself, 'f*ck it'? And just see what it's all about.  It was Directed by: Fritz Böttger; and Starred: Alexander D'Arcy, Harald Maresch, Rainer Brandt, with Walter Faber.


Horrors of Spider Island (1960)

THE STORY:

Now don't get me wrong, Georgia (Helga Franck). I like you. I really-really like you. But don't you think I would also like to be sitting in a bar somewhere in Singapore, sipping a cold glass of beer, rather than stranded here on some deserted island with you and a bunch of semi-naked showgirls?

I mean, what do you lovely ladies do all day long, anyway? Stand around in your bikinis and pose provocatively? Take long and hot showers underneath a dimly lit waterfall? Or what about discovering that dead body dangling from some kind of make-shift spiders-web?

Oh! I don't know what I'm saying, Georgia. Maybe this situation is getting to me, huh? When I was first asked to do this job I thought it was going to be easy. All I had to do was to accompany you nice girls on a plane trip from point A to point B. Yet how on Earth was I supposed to know that the plane in question would crash and we'd end up here?

Still, that's most probably why what next transpires all goes commando when you look over at me and say, 'Hey! Don't worry about us, Gary (Alexander D'Arcy). You just worry that you don't get bitten by a giant spider and turn into some massive freak'. As one of the nice dames takes a fateful fall - two men suddenly show up and have a right ball - a group of showgirls start falling to bits - and at the end of the day, my God, this film is just full of tits!!!

THE REVIEW:

On the surface I'd say 'Horrors of Spider Island' is one giant excuse to showcase a group of lovely young ladies with hardly any clothes on. Underneath that though, I'd say exactly the same thing, despite its thinly disguised premise being about a group of entertainers stranded on a deserted island.

Well, if you ever get round to watching this film, folks, you will notice that throughout its telling a large chunk of its narrative is dedicated to girls-girls-girls. You will see girls in the shower. You will see girls in bikinis. You will see girls without armpit hair. And you will see girl on girl fighting too.

It's hardly the work of Shakespeare, I agree. Plus to make matters even more exploitative, the dubbing was so cr*p that most of the cast members sounded like hookers or Vampirella. Where as the horror component that was supposed to be in this movie was taken over by the feminine factor I mentioned before.

Just take this one scene nearing the end of this production for instance. In it, two men show up and inform the women that in three days time a boat will arrive and take them all to safety. So in celebration of this good news the females take it upon themselves to dress up and throw a party.

Sound's fairly reasonable, doesn't it?

However, when the party is eventually in full swing, one of the men goes round and start's getting rather 'funky' with the more provocatively shaped women. Whilst the other man -- who seems more timorous in temperament -- just hangs round with one of the lady's and gets off with her.

Well. Let's face it. This isn't the sort of scene you'd expect to see in a real horror film. And as for the actual horror component on the other hand -- yeah -- that was alright for it's time. As a matter of fact I quite enjoyed the suspenseful nature that the 'spider-creature' had whilst he was lurking in the shadows and skulking out these ladies. And to be completely honest with you, folks, I would've hoped to have seen a lot more of this but -- alas -- this wasn't meant to be. Unlike my ever humble filmic-facts, Ha! (1) 'Rapid Film' first released this production in Germany on the exact same day Pierre Restany founded the "New Realism" artistic movement. It was on the 16th of April, 1960. (2) Loosely translated, this project was entitled 'The Embrace of the Spider' in Italy; 'Death Online' in Finland; and in Germany it was originally given the title, 'A Corpse Hangs in the Web'. (3) While I'm on the topic of names, for some strange reason when this flick was reissued in America in 1962 and 1965, the powers that be decided to christen it with such titles as 'Body in the Web', 'Girls of Spider Island', 'It's Hot in Paradise', and 'The Spider's Web'. (4) The majority of this movie was shot on location within the Yugoslavian city of Nicola. (5) In 1999 this thriller was featured on the popular television series, 'Mystery Science Theater 3000'. (6) The tagline used to promote this production, was, 'A handful of girls enslaved by a diabolical human beast on an island where there is no way out '. (6) Due to its titivating nature there have been two versions of this adventure made available for the public. There is the original 86 minute version, plus a slightly condensed 77 minute version. (8) After this adventure did a striptease, Alexander D'Arcy starred in the drama, 'The Festival Girls'; Harald Maresch starred in another drama called, 'Brainwashed'; and Helga Franck starred in the comedy, 'The Bell Calls'.

Overall I'd say 'Horrors Of Spider Island' should have been called 'How A Group Of Semi-Naked Women Took The Horror Out Of A Horror Movie'. Although it was fairly easy on the eye, as push comes to shove the female factor smothered the horror factor with its humongous breasts.

Nuff said. 

THE RATING: C