Star Force: The Force Awakens For those of us who grew up watching playful Ewoks, savage Jawas, hooded Jedi masters, or dark overlords, I bet you anything, and I do mean anything, ish, you're yearning to know how Star Wars 7: The Force Awakens, is going to pan out. So, if it will appease you slightly, fellow padawan, how about I try to predict what'll happen in this sequel to a prequel that began in treacle. I mean, it couldn't hurt, could it?

Now what we know so far is as follows. Thirty years ago the Rebel Alliance managed to destroy the second Death Star and kick the Empire's big-black-ass to kingdom come (as seen in 'Return Of The Jedi'). But do you know what? They shouldn't have bothered. More or less things are pretty much the same now, anyway. The galaxy is still at war, accompanied by a new breed of hero and villain fighting against each other.

Star Force: The Force Awakens R2-D2 and C-3PO
Thankfully, on the side of the angels, or for those of you who want to be more pedantic about it, The New Republic, are a lot of the same old faces we saw thirty years ago, zapping those pesky Stormtroopers with a bing and a bang and a zap-zap-zap! Face's such as Princess Leia Organa (Donut queen), Han Solo (He shot first), Chewbacca (NNaarrrr), R2-D2 (bop-a-bip), and C-3PO (I say), each of them fighting alongside the ever trusted Resistance.

Joining them on this thankless task are a number of new heroes too: namely Poe Dameron (a starfighter pilot), Finn (a former First Order Stormtrooper), plus Rey and BB-8 (a scavenger plus her pet droid).

Yet as we all know, where their is the light their is also the dark. So fighting against the Resistance is a powerful new force called the First Order, comprising the likes of Captain Phasma (Commander of the First Order), Kylo Ren (a fearsome and mysterious dark figure who wields a crucifix shaped red light-saber), and Supreme Leader Snoke (Kylo Ren's master with ties to the Dark Side... Katanga).

Star Force: The Force Awakens Poster
But wait! 'Where's Luke?', you may ask. 'Handless' replies I. 'Handless and light-saber-less'. Simply because Finn finds both appendage and weapon at the start of Star Wars 7: The Force Awakens, thus instigating the adventure ahead. Whatever next? Who knows! Not yet, anyway. Although what I can say for certain is that what we are bound to get could be...

1) A sepia flashback sequence depicting how the good old days weren't really the good old days, more like those days where people killed each other without the use of heavy CGI.

2) Two intertwined scenes, one depicting an Ewok making love to a Jawa, whilst the other one shows C-3PO using R2-D2 as a hoover. 

3) A jovial interlude in which an effigy of George Lucas kicks the crap out of Micky Mouse. 

4) A Yoda cameo appearance would be lovely, especially if it's being voiced by Frank Oz and is an actual puppet.

Star Force: The Force Awakens Battleship
5) A nice intimate scene where Han and Leia get together and talk about the buns on her head as well as an old bun in the oven (see point 9 for more details).

6) An exposition type scene where one of the old guard will explain to the new guard what actually happened in the 70s, omitting anything to do with sex, drugs, or rock and roll.

7) Hopefully there will be a sequence where Luke stops doing his impression of the Joker and starts doing his impression of Obi Wan Kenobi, minus the death drop and the shabby apron.

8) If whoever crushed Darth Vader's helmet (as seen in the trailer) could show up and explain themselves, that would be nice. As I bet you anything, whoever did this is kicking themselves now, considering how much they could have sold it on ebay.

Star Force: The Force Awakens Stormtroopers
9) A scene where it's revealed that Rey and Kylo are the respective son and daughter of Han and Leia. What? Too obvious?

10) Another scene where it's revealed that Darth Vader didn't die, he just disappeared into the Force and reawakened years later in Walmart.

11) If Lando Calrissian shows his face (which I'm sure he will), I'm sure Fin would be ever so grateful if he could explain to him what a Nubian is.

12) Jay and Silent Bob as Stoned-Troopers... say no more.

Well, that's my two cents worth, Star Wars fans. So if you think you can come up with something just as silly please drop me a line. And if not a line, a light-saber. Zooom!!!!