BATMAN #5 & #6

Oh dear! I seem to have miscalculated something whilst doing these double-reviews. A part of me completely forgot that the first story arc was five issues long, meaning, that in this review I will have to chop and change from one tale to another. Still. Never mind, eh? As I'm sure you'll be able to keep up with these two tales created by Tom King, David Finch, and published by DC Comics! It's September, 2016, and it's time for the Batman double-review.

TO QUOTE Groucho Marx: 'Hey, babe! Do you want to get married? Are you rich? Please answer the second question first'.

As a kid, have you ever taken a toy car and smashed it against an action figure, just for the sake of enjoyment? If you have, then you kind of know how issue five of Batman plays out.

Basically, in the first half of the book, we are presented with a series of sequences where we see Batman catapult a number of vehicles towards Gotham -- the man, not the city -- with the hope that they can stop his mad rampage across Gotham -- the city, not the man. As most of us know, between issue three and four Gotham gets possessed by the Psycho Pirate, and this causes him to go completely nuts and smash things up. Thankfully, Batman and his gang are currently in place to keep his mad rampage in check. So not only does Batman, you know, throw things at him, but on top of that, Alfred even dresses up as Batman so they can slightly confuse Gotham, all the while Thomas is back in the Batcave trying his best to relax and aide Gotham Girl.

You see, just like her brother, Gotham Girl was also mind-shagged by the Psycho Pirate. But unlike him, her fear seems to be more internal, focused, almost as if she's able to hold it down.

While this is going on, Batman finally comes to his senses and asks -- SPOILER ALERT -- The Justice League for some help. So, like you'd expect, they turn up, go at it with Gotham, and then... errr... no. I best say no more. I've already spoiled the Justice League surprise. So it would be rude of me to tell you that Gotham manages to overpower them and... and... no... no... no... stop it. Shit!


Quickly moving on, and in issue six of Batman -- yes, we are here now -- we deal with the aftermath that issue five brought about. Gotham Girl is distraught. No. She's more than distraught. She's manic. And the only way for her to come to terms with her loss is to fly around Gotham and battle a number of colorful villains along the way. First she stops Colonel Blimp from stealing a submarine, POW! She then goes back to her place and cuts her hair very short, SNIP!  And after that, she stings Captain Stingray and takes Kite-Man for a fall, only for her to ultimately meet the one person who wants to save her from herself.

Batman, he's very upset with the way things have played out last month, so this month he wants to see if he can resolve certain issues by tempering Gotham Girls demeanor. And how does he do this? No. I'm not saying, as I don't want to spoil anything else! Yet the one thing I will mention is that the way Batman tries to calm GG down is very poignant on one level and very shocking on another.

By this stage of the story he calls up Alfred and asks him how he calmed him down after his parents died. Alfred, in that very droll way of his, then says to him, 'Each night you leave this perfectly nice house and go leaping off buildings dressed as a giant bat. Do you think I helped you?', which, if you think about it, tells Bruce everything he needs to know! 'Be truthful to her', he's saying to Bruce, 'Be the person she wants without her really knowing it'. And this is followed by a cuddle, a cry, and another surprise. The end.

On the art side of things I must say that I really did enjoy David Finch's cinematic artwork. His depiction of the League was so good a part of me wanted him to take over their book, plus I have to add, his rendition of Batman is very stoic, bold, and powerful, almost as if he's man and God in one tidy little package.

I also have to mention how much I loved that scene in issue five where Alfred dressed up as Batman -- that took me by surprise, for sure -- plus I also liked the pungent way that particular issue ended too, despite coming across as slightly abrupt. The story in issue six, on the other hand, was much more human in tone and focused in structure. As much as I was fine -- just fine -- with all of those jovial villain's populating the city, what I liked about this issue even more, was the way that Gotham Girls nervous jabbering seemed to tie back into what Bruce had to do to, quote, unquote, save her, almost as if the answer was staring us in the face all along.

Anyway. That's enough for now. So overall these two issues of Batman were pretty decent to follow. The stories had heart. The art was bordering on the Neal Adams. And all in all, ouch, whatever next? SS?

I now feel compelled to musically match-up issue five to the Snow Patrol song, 'Cars', primarily because of that scene where Batman and Alfred both 'threw cars' at Gotham -- the man, not the city.

What? Was that too obvious? Damn. I thought as much!

I'd like to compare episode six of Batman with an episode of the popular talk-show, Jerry Springer. And why would I want to do this? Simple really. They both involve someone going around smashing things up, while working out any issues they have in the process.

At the very end of issue six Batman goes to someone and asks them for some help. So, out of shear macaroni, can you guess who that person is and what help Batman needs out of the following eight options? Could it be...

  1. The Flash: To help him paint Wayne Manor.
  2. Kim Kardashian: To help him shake that phat ass like a mo-fo.
  3. Wonder Woman: To help him speak in an accent that nobody is quite sure of.
  4. Taylor Swift: To help him break up with his partners without the media knowing.
  5. Ben Affleck: To help him make a movie out of lego.
  6. Superman: To help him assemble some shelves in his kitchen.
  7. Amanda Waller: To help him find a cure for Gotham Girl in Santa Prisca.  
  8. Green Lanterns: To help him find his missing door keys, stuck way down behind the sofa.
Nuff said.


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