Terror at London Bridge
Now I know I haven't known you for very long, Angie (Stepfanie Kramer). Yet during the short amount of time we've spent together I've grown so comfortable being around you, I feel that I can tell you anything. And in fact, I think I will. So try this on for size, darling.
Well, as you know, quite recently I've been asked by my bosses back at the precinct to investigate the strange death of a tourist, supposedly committed by a transient passing through our Arizonian state.
But do you know what? I don't honestly think a transient was responsible for this murder. And the reason why I say this is because our medical examiners have stated that the culprit had a DNA data type that is over one hundred years old.
Yeah. Straight up! That's almost as old as me. Or for that matter your foxy friend as well! You know. What's-her-face! Lyn Chandler (Adrienne Barbeau). That lovely looking lady with 'rape-me eyes' who has a hard-on for all of those English twats fawning over our version of
Anyway, as I was saying, Angie, to cut a long story short I believe our killer is none other than the noted Victorian murderer, Jack the Ripper (Paul Rossilli). But don't worry though. With some help from my partner Joe (Randolph Mantooth) I'm sure I'll be able to figure out what he's playing at. And if not, hey, that's most probably why what next transpires all gets rather retro when you say to me, 'Are you feeling OK, Don Gregory (David Hasselhoff)? Or are you going mad?'. As an over permed cop cannot dance - a noted serial killer plays an evil game of chance - an old stony bridge is a potential health care provider - and at the end of the day, stand up everyone who wants to watch the next episode of 'Knight Rider'!
If I had to give 'Bridge Over Time' another title I'd have to call it something like, 'The Hoff Verses Jack The Ripper'. And do you know why I would want to call it such a thing? Simple really. Because on the whole that is precisely what this film is all about.
Well, how can I put this, folks? As I said before this is a very eighties styled movie! And as a very eighties styled movie you'll get to see everything the eighties had on offer. For instance, you'll get to see the Hoff showing off his hairy chest and playing macho-macho with the ladies. You'll also get to see a story-line that keep's on darting back and forth between sub-plot and main-narrative. And to add insult to injury, you'll be able to then additionally enjoy the sight of tight perms, tighter jeans, dodgy dancing, plus the usual tried and tested action-adventure formula we all watched back when Reagan and Thatcher ruled the Western hemisphere.
Now please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to imply that this film was total pants. If anything on occasion it was the opposite of total pants. It was... errr... hmmm... total bras. Bras, like the fairly uplifting bras the voluptuous ladies wore. Uplifting in the same way people talked about emotions and did stuff to help save the day.
Come on. I'm sure you know what I'm getting at! Even though my analogies are starting to dry-up as quickly as the Arizona desert -- pun partly intended -- I suppose what I'm trying to say is that this movie was one of those good and bad movies. So if you're a lover of far fetched eighties cop based dramas loosely connected to Victorian serial killers, I suspect you might enjoy this film. Yet if you're looking for a slick and contemporary take on a time-displaced murderer, ouch, better luck next time.
Also, I best mention how the writers of this piece tried to incorporate some of the Jack the Ripper lore into its narrative, despite it feeling a bit too wedged in at times. Almost as if this was a way for the pretext to justify its loose Ripper connection. What's more, I have to applaud The Hoff himself for putting on one hell of a great show. From my point of view he was more of the main attraction than Jack and the girls. Especially since his character was given more screen time as well as a chance to explain who he was.
Overall I'd say 'Bridge Over Time' was a fairly fine film. Like always the Hoff strutted his eighties stuff so much he became the main attraction. Where as Jack and the girls ended up as another smudge on his over permed ego.
THE RATING: B-