On occasion my mind would race with bad situations, especially when I'm sitting around, doing nothing. For some reason I would just make up a worst case scenario in my head, one that I can’t possibly pull myself out from. For instance, if my husband has to travel for his work, suddenly I would conjure up images in my brain of his plane getting hijacked to it crashing and him dyeing, or literally everything in between. I try to logically tune it out. Honestly I do. But I can’t help myself. I can’t. If my dad calls me I worry that he's sick in the hospital, and I sit and remind myself that I have abandonment issues from my past and this is the only reason I'm doing this. And on top of that, I also realize how pointless it is to worry, but I do, and sometimes it's hard to turn off.
Certain other sounds drill into my soul as well. We get kids at my work and sometimes their noise stops me from breathing (Side note: those kids should be opera singers). But I digress. I totally get why people with Autism or Asperger's have a difficult time with noises, because PTSD (what I have from the abuse I suffered) can manifest itself in a very similar way.
I also thought I was the only person that gets freaked out at night. Darkness just freaks me out. If the power ever went down I wouldn't be able to breathe. As far back as I can remember I was scared of it. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest, and I hate this feeling most of all.
My depression causes me to feel really bad about myself. Sometimes I wonder why I can't look like this, be like that, etc. It's maddening. I'll look in the mirror and rip myself apart. Did I get a wrinkle? Why isn't my rosacea better? Maybe I'm getting fat? On a side note, I have had body issues in the past. I was NEVER allowed to gain weight, so during school all I ate was two granola bars and a Gatorade. I would eat dinner but that was my usual eating routine. I also grew up thinking I was nothing and would never be anything. So sometimes I will sit there and it will haunt me.
So please call and ask counselors in your area, as a lot of the times they are willing to help or at least guide you towards the right source. Know that you are not weird, crazy, or whatever for helping yourself. Going to therapy is the strongest thing you can do to help cope with anxiety and depression. I believe in you and I have faith in you. Know that you're loved even if you don't really believe it right now. You are. I promise you.
This article was brought to you care of the one, the only, cosplaying queen herself, Jenna Say What!?!? Please stay tuned for what she has in store for us next month, right here, on Jenna Say Blog.