SANTA CLAUS'S DATING PROFILE

With Christmas Day looming over the horizon, I thought that it would be a jolly good idea to have a look at Santa Claus's dating profile. After all, he's a man with many needs that his other half isn't always able to completely satisfy. So, without further ado, here 👇, check this out.

Personal information:
Name: Saint Nicholas / Age: Mind your own business / Occupation: Reverse burglar / Location: The North Pole / Relationship requirements: Somebody who isn't a 'ho ho ho', unlike my wife / Longest relationship: Ask my wife / Marital status: I'm allegedly married

Distinguishing features:
Height: Tall enough to look up to / Weight: Large enough to hug / Build: Strong enough to lift a sackful of presents / Hair color: White / Eye color: Blue

Other attributes:
How ambitious are you? Well, as far as I'm concerned, I'm rather ambitious, as I run a global charitable organization and have people working for me. Small people, but people all the same / Do you drink? Yes, milk or brandy / Do you want children? No / Do you consume drugs? Only if I want a piece of charcoal in my Christmas stocking / Do you drive a car? I drive a sleigh, which I think is better than a car

Favorite:
TV show: 'The Santa Clauses' / Song: 'Fairytale of New York' by The Pogues / Actor: Tim Allen / Reindeer: The one with the red nose / Book: 'A Christmas Carol' by Charles Dickens / Film: 'Die Hard' / Color: Red / Meal: Stuffed turkey / Quote: 'Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year' - Victor Borge

Hobbies:
Riding my herd of reindeer through the crisp midnight sky. Gazing at the smiling faces of children yearning for a better tomorrow. Climbing down chimneys and sniffing the soot. Saying 'ho ho ho' while referring to prostitution. Reading letters sent to me from children who can use a spell checker. Dressing up like a flamboyant postman to do my job. Listening to the carol singers as they lose their voices. Orienteering.

About me:
Hello, you wonderful person. My name is Saint Nicholas, although you can call me Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, or any of those other daft names I've been referred to since my inception. Like a politician, I only work one day a year, aided by an army of devoted disciples - or as I prefer to call them, elves - who follow my every command. I usually work the day before Christmas Day and have some time off afterwards - approximately three hundred and sixty-four days, which allows me the luxury of eating, drinking, and being merry to my heart's desire, until my next day of work rolls around. How about you? What do you do for fun? I hope it's something both naughty and nice - if you get my drift! Either way, I look forward to reading your reply.

First date:
As I'm a giver, rather than a taker, I must insist on paying for our first date. Well, I think it's only good manners for a man to pay, instead of expecting the woman to put her hand in her pocket when she can put her hand in mine - no squeezing, please. To begin, I suggest we go to a local restaurant near my grotto, where the two of us can feast on bread, water, and anything else that's reasonably priced. Then once we've satisfied our stomachs, we can go outside and play in the snow together, either by building a snowman or burying one of my elves - trust me, none of them would mind. Finally, to end our date, I think it would be a jolly good idea for us to have s*x. Nothing too kinky, but something both of us would remember.

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