VAMPIRE HUNTER STEVE'S DATING PROFILE

Last year, Microwave Media released the first installment of their ongoing comic-book series, 'Vampire Hunter Steve', but only after running a successful Kickstarter campaign to raise enough funds to publish their debut issue. Since then, the comic has become such a huge hit that the creative team behind it is back with another campaign to raise funds for the second installment. Just for fun, what now follows is the dating profile for the titular character.

Personal information:
Full name: Stefanus Van Helsano / Age: I'm seventeen, so I'm legal, wink-wink! / Occupations: Pizza delivery dude and reluctant vampire hunter / Location: Hell's Anus, USA / Relationship requirements: Someone with big boobs and a lively pulse... pulse negotiable / Longest relationship: Arm's length

Distinguishing features:
Height: I'm the same height as Brad Pitt / Weight: Not that heavy / Build: Scrawny as a slice of thin-crust pizza / Hair color: Brown as two-week-old cheese / Eye color: As blue as my Grandpa's language

Other attributes:
Do you like animals? I can appreciate most animals, except for those that try to kill me, like bats and werewolves / Do you drink? Yes, but never blood / Do you want children? That depends on the mother / Do you consume drugs? My friend Todd did some drugs and now he's dead / Do you drive a car? Even though it smells like butt sweat, I have no problem driving my trusty pizza delivery car, Saucy 01

Favorite:
TV show: 'Family Ties' / Song: 'You Make My Dreams' by Hall & Oates / Actor: Pamela Anderson / Band: Rubber / Comedian: Carl Sagan / Film: 'The Secret of My Success' / Color: Money green / Meal: My Grandma's zuurkoolstamppot / Quote: 'Never become too good at something you hate, they'll make you do it the rest of your life' - Ed Greer

Hobbies:
Playing video games. Driving my car. Making my grandparents smile. Killing stupid vampires. Observing the opposite sex. Stopping my little sister from inventing deadly weapons. Being able to breathe and sleep. Fiddling with my yo-yo. Seasoning my pepperoni stick.

About me:
Hi! My name is Steve Van Helsano, and for a living, I help my grandparents with their family business. This includes preparing pizzas, delivering pizzas, and anything else pizza-related that my Grandma and Grandpa tell me to do. I also have another job that involves tracking down and killing vampires. It can be really messy at times, because I'm always getting splattered with blood whenever I stab one of these foul fiends in the heart. Well, it's not nice, messing about with someone else's heart, and I promise not to mess with yours, just as long as you don't mess with mine. That's unless you're kinky, wink-wink!

First date:
A date? As in a real date? Not one of those small, shriveled fruits that makes me want to take a dump? If so, then please sign me up, as I'm the type of guy who always tries to spread good vibes. I'm very accommodating and would love to take a possible partner wherever they want to go. Fancy a trip to the local cemetery? Sure, no problem. I'll bring the flashlight. Want to play a game at the downtown arcade? Get ready to bang-bang-bang, because the two of us can play-play-play and explore everything Hell's Anus has to offer. Trust me, I'm here to do anything a lovely lady wants me to do, whether that's talking about my feelings, driving us from place to place, and if possible, getting to second base. But don't think I'm a loser or anything, as I'm not. I'm definitely not. Not me. Uh-uh. I've been with loads of chicks… like so many... so I definitely know what I'm doing... just ask my Canadian ex-girlfriend.

'Vampire Hunter Steve' is an ongoing comic-book series written by Microwave Rhea with art by Ariel De Candido and Ariel Iacci. For further information, please feel free to check out my interview with Microwave and an excerpt from the second installment. Alternatively, you can visit the official website for instructions on how to back the Kickstarter campaign for part two.