WOLF MAN'S DATING PROFILE

This month, Universal Pictures will be releasing their reboot of the 1941 horror classic, 'The Wolf Man', which tells the tragic tale of an unlucky man who's bitten by a werewolf and then cursed with his appearance and abilities. Aptly titled, 'Wolf Man', this reboot was directed by the Australian filmmaker, Leigh Whannell, and stars Christopher Abbott, Julia Garner, and Matilda Firth. So, to celebrate its release, I thought that it would be a jolly good idea to take a look at the dating profile for the titular character. Here 👇, check this out.

Personal information:
Name: Blake / Age: Old enough to shave / Occupation: Unlucky f*cker / Location: Oregon / Relationship requirements: Someone who doesn't mind that I have a hairy ass / Longest relationship: You best ask my wife / Marital status: I'm married with a child

Distinguishing features:
Height: With or without fur? / Weight: See the previous answer for details / Build: Ditto / Hair color: Dark brown / Eye color: Brown or yellow

Other attributes:
How ambitious are you? It depends on the moon / Do you drink? I like drinking most beverages, occasionally blood / Do you want children? I already have a child named Ginger. Do you want to buy her? / Do you consume drugs? No / Do you drive a car? Only when I'm human

Favorite:
TV show: 'Wolf Like Me' / Song: 'Cry Wolf' by A-ha / Actor: Scott Wolf / Composer: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart / Journalist: Wolf Blitzer / Film: 'The Wolf of Wall Street' / Color: Brown / Meal: Uncooked arm / Quote: 'Woof, woof' - Lassie

Hobbies:
Howling at the full moon. Hiding in the shadows. Eating raw meat. Drinking from a bowl. Stalking my prey. Blow drying my hair. Barking like a bulldog. Panting like a poodle. Crapping like a shih tzu. Talking about politics.

About me:
At face value, I may seem like a nice guy, but underneath the surface, I'm also a werewolf who craves carnage. Only when there's a full moon in the sky, mind you, otherwise, I'm just a simple family man who lives with my wife, Charlotte, and daughter, Ginger, in a home I recently inherited from my late father. Well, I think he's no longer alive, as he strangely disappeared and is currently presumed dead. But instead of looking into his possible demise, I decided to persuade my family to relocate from where we lived in San Francisco to my inherited childhood home in Oregon. Prior to our arrival, however, we were attacked by a werewolf and now I possess his animalistic abilities and appearance. So, when you have the time, can you please look out of the window for me? As I would like to know if there's a full moon on the horizon. A full moon, I hasten to add, that will transform me, Blake, into a savage beast. Growl!

First date:
Before our date begins, I would like the lady in question to consider my current status. That being, I'm a married man with a wife and child who occasionally transforms into a savage beast. I would also like her to refrain from stroking my head as if I were some type of dog. That way, we can both have a fairly amicable evening together and sidestep any unpleasantness. Well, that's unless our date occurs when there's a full moon in the sky. If that happens, she's going to die! The b*tch is going to die, as the moonlight will change me from man to beast and I will feel compelled to rip her to shreds. So, be warned all of you lovely ladies who wish to go on a date with me. Be warned that sometimes I'm more than just a beast in the sack, as I'm a beast in real life too. Howl!

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