SNOW WHITE'S DATING PROFILE

This month, Disney will be releasing their live-action remake of the 1937 animated classic, 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs', which in turn was based on the 1812 German fairy tale written by the Brothers Grimm. Aptly titled, 'Snow White', the aforementioned remake revolves around a young woman who seeks sanctuary from her evil stepmother, only to find friendship, love, and hopefully a brighter future. It was directed by the American filmmaker, Marc Webb, and stars Rachel Zegler, Gal Gadot, and Andrew Burnap. So, to celebrate its release, I thought that it would be a jolly good idea to take a look at the dating profile for the titular character. Here 👇, check this out.

Personal information:
Name: Snow White / Age: Old enough to live with a group of dwarfs / Occupation: A princess who's now a scullery maid / Location: A picturesque kingdom that nobody could be bothered to name / Relationship requirements: Someone who doesn't view me as a sexual object / Longest relationship: I can't remember / Marital status: Single

Distinguishing features:
Height: I'm taller than a dwarf / Weight: I weigh less than a bear / Build: I'm thin like a twig / Hair color: Black like my heart / Eye color: Brown like my sh*t

Other attributes:
How ambitious are you? I'm not very ambitious, except when I am / Do you drink? I mainly drink water or juice from freshly squeezed fruit / Do you want children? No / Do you consume drugs? Only when I want to be heigh-ho / Do you drive a car? I can't drive, but I am driven

Favorite:
TV show: 'Little People, Big World' / Song: 'Victim' by Candi Staton / Actress: Brittany Snow / Band: Snow Patrol / Porn star: Ember Snow / Film: Nothing made in the 1930s / Color: I'm not racist / Meal: Uncooked apple / Quote: 'Being a princess isn't all it's cracked up to be' - Diana, Princess of Wales

Hobbies:
Sleeping. Singing. Dancing. Exploring. Whistling, especially while I'm working. Speaking with animals. Collecting flowers. Being pretentious. Fighting against the patriarchy.

About me:
At face value, I may seem like a sweet, innocent girl, but underneath the surface, I'm a fierce, independent young woman named Snow White who doesn't need to be protected by a man. Well, that's unless someone actually tries to harm me. But apart from that, I'd say that I'm a rather pleasant person with a fairish complexion and an unselfish disposition. How about you? How would you describe yourself? Are you kind? Are you courteous? Are you willing to only understand my perspective and denigrate those that don't? If so, fine, we should go out on a date. But if not, may you never know peace.

First date:
Given some thought, I'd like our date to begin at a restaurant, a very expensive restaurant, where the two of us can get to know each other while eating vegan food served by undocumented immigrants. But we have to ensure that the cutlery, crockery, and furniture are all biodegradable, otherwise, it will affect the environment. Then once we have eaten our food and it has been properly digested, afterwards, we can go to a protest and complain about something people generally complain about, like the cost of wigs or the demonization of dwarfs. If you so wish, we could livestream our date on Instagram and tell people how much fun we are having. Or else, we could just keep the whole experience to ourselves and only divulge it to others when one of us, preferably you, does something wrong. Either way, let me know your thoughts and I will tell you what is wrong with them. Much love.

To see more character-based dating profiles, please feel free to click here to check out our section dedicated to all things love.